So I’ve been thinking a lot about people
And I was looking at pictures of my friends from after I moved. Them hanging out together.
It’s weird to think of other people having fun without you there. Not like they couldn’t without me. It’s just weird to see. Like I can assume it’d be pretty difficult to walk around as a ghost and watch people move on from you. Not that me leaving was the equivalent of me dying. I mean, obviously it’s not so dramatic of a separation when there is the possibility you’ll meet again. But then, who exactly will I see again? Is there any among them that I won’t see again? Who?
But then, I’m still a kid. Who really ends up staying connected with everyone they interact with as a kid.
It was just weird, seeing them all together, everything the same, or nearly the same as I remember it to be, except everyone is taller, less pudgy, and I’m not there.
I remember feeling this way when I was actually there, that if I removed myself, things would go on as they would. And I guess I was right.
Again, not dying.
Not sitting on a couch, emitting a miserably aura. Then people would just come up and be all, “whats wrong???” And everyone crowds around and starts being all, “poor baby! we didn’t forget about you!”
Standing in the open, holding a drink, smiling at people who pass you, walking around aimlessly. A bubble of happy. A mirror of everyone else in the room.
One of my friends recently posted to her facebook a picture of a newspaper quote from Yoko Ono, which reads, “Some people are old at 18, and some are young at 90… time is a concept that humans created.”
For some reason, this quote, in relation to her, made me very angry.
And when I say angry I mean, the way you feel when someone gets praise and you don’t… jealousy? I suppose it kind of feels like that.
But then, why am I jealous… I feel like she’s saying it about herself. Whether she will admit it openly, or to herself, or not, I feel like deep down she saw that quote and posted it because that’s how she feels. Very old. Very old an knowledgeable. Very old and weary. Like she’s seen the end of the world before its time.
But then I feel like that’s very selfish. To see yourself like that.
But then, for long-winded reasons, I have always had this hatred toward her. Not the jealousy, just… disgust? She is revolting to me. Her person, her everything.
And then, I suppose it’s jealousy because I know this is what people think of her. They see her as this very old knowledgeable person. I see her differently though. I see her as immature, naive.
The other day I was watching Gattaca. And there was that scene near the end of the movie where they are swimming out into the water to see who will wimp out first. And then Anton asks how he’s able to swim further then him despite all his setbacks and Vincent says it’s because “I never saved anything for the swim back.”
And then I though about Howard Roark and Gail Wynand sitting on a yacht in the middle of the ocean and Roark says, “I will die for you, but I will not live for you.”
And then I went back to the Walt Whitman quote that’s engraved in my brain, “For till all else ceases, neither must you cease.”
Today I was really sick. It was a weird sick though, but maybe I just had low blood sugar or something. That morning I didn’t even get up till 2 in the afternoon, and all I can remember having was a cookie, but then I went out with my mom for a while and when we got back I was suddenly really sleepy and yawning and dizzy and thirsty. I ate some and slept most of the day.
But in consequence to sleeping all day, I’ll probably stay up most of the night. Fun.
I found myself writing to myself and deleting it. What is that supposed to be? How is it that I’ve let myself into a state where I can’t even talk to myself when no one else is listening? That’s stupid. I shouldn’t be afraid to say what I want to say.
So I’ve been reading a lot of The Fountainhead, and I felt as though I was listening to a rant of Tyler Durdern. Ellsworth Toohey was telling Katie how she was worthless and how she should stop thinking of herself all the time. That she should destroy what she calls ‘herself’ and offer everything to the people. And I kept thinking of the words repeated by Project Mayhem, “You are not a unique snowflake.” It was odd. Although, the second I read the section, before I finished, I took the computer and searched in Google, “Chuck Palahniuk Ayn Rand,” and apparently I’m not the only one who was thinking this. I think it’s so odd that I would do that. Almost as if I was sure I was reading the same words twice.
Frankly, I like this book. It’s interesting. The characters are revolting and then very attractive. I feel like I’ve liked every character at some point and disliked them just as equally.
I don’t like the words democrat, republican, liberal, or conservative. They all have a negative connotation in my mind.
It just seems to me that some people who fancy them selves’ open-minded are the least of all.
I mean, people are always so emotional when it comes to opinions.
I see many people, particularly those who dislike Ayn Rand, who are very quick to shut everyone out and spew out angry comments without thinking, in an all caps rage, rather then say reasonably and respectfully why they don’t agree with her philosophy.
I say respectfully, but I really mean humbly, as in regarding the fact that they could be wrong as much as they regard being right; accepting other people’s opinions and trying to learn something from them, whether it be changing their own ideas or understanding the ideas of others. I feel like that’s more open-minded.
But then, people aren’t like that, and as soon as I could read across the Internet how Paul Ryan had said he liked Ayn Rand, she was trending on twitter.
I can’t say I know a thing about any of the presidential stuff that’s been going on, but that isn’t really what I was getting at.
Only that the people who my dad would call ‘liberals’, as of what I saw on twitter, aren’t very kind. Although, I can’t say my dad is a very kind person, either.
On my other blog, I find myself unable to write because I’m afraid of the reactions of my friends. And I’ve always heard from people that you should do the things you want and be who you want to be and if others don’t agree with it, then they aren’t worth your time. But then I feel that if I didn’t keep my mouth shut most of the time I’d be awfully lonely. I suppose then that what I’m afraid of most, not getting emotional hate thrown at me, but people turning their backs to me.
And gosh, I know my grammar is terrible.
And maybe some times I’m a hypocrite.
But I’ve decided that if I want to do the things I want to do, I have to start doing them, and stop talking about it.
Oh jeez, if that makes any sense at all.